Restless

One charade after the next facade
The realness dissolved into paradox
I, am not satisfied.
Another skit, another script,another line, another "where is the truth?"

Another hope, another fall
Another look, another "what to believe?"
Another,
"Believe in who?".

I don't just want to see it
I want to feel the truth
Can't stand to reconcile this
Lord I am restless for you.

Progress? Possibly?

So I've finally started making a real effort to memorize scripture.
With everything going on in my life, I've found it to be really empowering.
It's nice.

I feel like I'm finally on my way to becoming who God wants me to...sorta.
It's still in the very early beginning stages, but at least it's there.
I'm finally making real effort outside of high times like Freshwind in Toronto or the Engram youth retreat at my church.

I still have a bunch of stuff I have to work out of my life..a purification process I guess, that I know has to happen and I'm working on, but it's...fighting back I guess.
But the difference is that at least now I'm really trying harder than I have in the past.

I've memorized a good deal of verses in the past bit...

James 1:19 ~ Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry

James 4:8 ~Come near to God, and he will come near to you

John 13:14-15 ~Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet; so should you wash one anothers feet. For I have set an example for you, that you should do as I have done for you.

Proverbs 24:3 ~Above all else, guard your heart, for it effects everything you do.

John 3:16-17 ~For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whom so ever believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. For God came into the world not to condemn the world, but to claim it as his own.[some versions say: "but to save the world through him"](yes, I already knew verse 16, but I didn't know 17)

and then in Psalm 144 it says "Joyous are those who put their trust in the Lord our God."

so...a good start I think...we'll see how it goes.

So Many Changes

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Blessed be the man who perserveres under trial, for once he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life which God has promised to those who love him.
~James 1:12
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This verse has really been on my mind lately. Besides being my favorite verse, it's really been something I've had to hold on to. So many things have happened...my parents looking for a new job pastoring...forcing us to move to most likely either Ohio or California.
I've been asked how important it is for me to complete highschool at my current one...If I say YES, that it is important....then it's possible that my dad and sister would move to California and I'd stay here with my mom for the school year and then we'd move out there too....but I don't want to split up the family for that time..while at the same time I don't want to leave where I'm living now.
That's just one of the many things I'm facing...
I have to lead worship for the church we're leaving in a week's time....
It's hard.
I'm tired of perservering...so it really makes me hope that crown of life is worthwhile...which I assume it is...
but it still feels like I'm at the point where I have to hope it is, instead of just knowing it is...

I don't know....so many changes...
I don't want to just have to "deal" with it...or "get by"
...I want to actually be living...but living is hard with all this going on
...I guess that's why that "crown of life" sounds so attractive and appealing right now.

IF

IF you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

IF you can trust yourself when all men doubt you

But make allowance for their doubting too,

IF you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

IF you can dream--

and not make dreams your master,

IF you can think--

and not make thoughts your aim;

IF you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

IF you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

IF you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breath a word about your loss;

IF you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

IF you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,

IF neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

IF all men count with you, but none too much,

IF you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Every Blessing and Curse is a Choice Now.

Ya know... I just want to take the people I care about most and go on a perfect vacation. Even if it's just like...a day long trip to the beach. Cause when you're with people that you love... "life is different. Time doesn't move hour to hour, but mood to moment. We live by the currents, plan by the tides, and follow the son."...I consider the people close to me to be my treasures. Each person is precious to me. I value all of them greatly...but I've never felt like I've been able to express it well enough...or maybe I just didn't take the time enough to show it.

I'm changing that now.

I have this problem..that sometimes I think people really take me for granted...I KNOW people do...and it really drove me insane. I like being consistant...I like helping people, and because I like being consistant, I do it whenever I can....but often times I feel like people just kind of get used to it...like with worship. Before, when I first started leading worship, people would come up to me and tell me that I did a really good job....but now that I've been doing it for a while...it's like people start to assume that I don't need or want to hear that any more..so it stopped. I love to feel needed, I love it when people come tell me "good job" or anything like that...but after a while of being consistant it just got to the point where I felt like I wasn't being appreciated any more..that what I was doing had changed from a blessing, to something that was..expected of me....and it really got me thinking...Do the people around me feel the same way I do?...and...I knew the answer was probably yes.

I'm almost 100% sure that everyone gets to a point in their life where they don't feel appreciated..and they all have probably wondered this exact same thing...and so I made a decision that I'm going to go up to people and purposefully bless them.

Everybody wants to be needed. Everybody loves to be loved. I'm trying to let people who I need know that they're needed, people that love know they're loved, and people that I really appreciate know that they're appreciated. I decided that I'm going to try to establish a new habit for myself to bless people or compliment them at least once whenever I talk to them. It's an unusually hard habit to get rolling, but I'm working on it. Now don't get me wrong, I don't mean that as soon as I see someone I'm just going to be like "you look nice today" and then go up to the next person and say the same thing. I'm going to give a sincere compliment or blessing every time..one that's well thought out. Sometimes that might be a: "you look nice today", but it's going to be sincere..not just...throwing them around.

John C. Maxwell describes his approach as the 30-second rule. That you compliment or bless someone within the first 30 seconds of talking to him or her.

I haven't exactly gotten to that level yet, but I've started...and it's amazing how..blessed people actually get...just by taking aside a few seconds to just bless people...compliment them...it doesn't take long, doesn't take much, but it can change someone's whole day around...I've found that I love blessing people...you might be thinking "yeah, no duh Jeshua, it's supposed to work that way..you bless others-you feel blessed. old news."..but then why doesn't everyone do this?? It's old news but still hardly anyone does it...and now that I've started...I can really impact a person's life. People will even start to appreciate ME because I am telling them that I appreciate THEM. Go figure.

It would be nice if people came up to me and did this to me more often...but for now...if that doesn't happen, I'm ok. I absolutely love blessing people. It's addicting. I love being able to make someone's day. Even if I don't make their day, I love being able to make them smile.

It's not even hard...it's not like I'm killing myself like "ugh come ON! why can't I THINK of anything, I have to do this!". Not at all. I'm not making things up to bless people..cause then I wouldn't be honest. I simply ask myself what I like about that person, what do they add to my life?, why am I glad they're around?, what special qualities do they have?....it's always stuff I already think about...it's just that now I'm actually TELLING people what's in my head...and it really makes them happy....and that...my friends...

is priceless.

Deuteronomy 11:26 - "Look, today I am giving you the choice between a blessing and a curse." (NLT)

...now...I have a suggestion...how about we choose to be a blessing.

Life Just Goes On...or does it?

Ok so...my second post on this blogger site.. has to do with how sometimes life just seems to go on..like some sort of...journey...and I'm just along for the ride.
Am I the only one who feels like that?

Sometimes honestly I just find myself riding in the car staring out the window and I see all the cars and everybody..everything passing me by. Sometimes it's hard to believe that everyone actually has their own life as well....I know they do..but sometimes it just feels like it's me..only me. Almost like a sort of...Matrix movie-type world where I'm living in my own separate world.....and I'm just...there.
Just a sort of puppet in the sense that I feel like sometimes I'm just going through the movements of life instead of actually living.

Steven Curtis Chapman worded what I'm feeling pretty much exactly to the point in his song "More to this life". He uses the phrase "Life just goes on." at the end of the verses and that's EXACTLY how I feel right now. No matter what happens...life just..goes on. Sometimes it feels like I've been left behind.
There's no "pause" or "rewind" button to use...no matter how badly I feel like I need or want one. Through anything and everything...life just goes on.

I'm living my life as a Christian teenager...a junior in a public high school...and no matter what happens life just keeps moving. Days go on past...new days come...and new days go. An inescapable cycle...an undisputed phenomenon of life...but one that I wish I COULD escape. I need something more to my life.

..All other Christians reading this are probably thinking the same thing I am right now...I just need more of God. And I know that's supposed to be the answer...or that it IS the answer..but I almost feel like I just don't know how to do it. What do I have to do to get there? I'm missing SOMETHING and I know it...and I also know it's something very..extremely important....otherwise I wouldn't feel like this.

There must be more than what I have...and I'm desperate to find it.

I'm tired of just going through life feeling like...like I'm just..THERE. It seems like everything is just going on..moving on...I'm getting older with time...time gets older in respect to itself and closer to coming to an end as to start a beginning of life relative to eternity instead of infinity.. and no longer to definite start-finishes...and all I do during this "time" passing me... is stare out a window feeling absolutely pointless.

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"There's gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me..." ~Stacie Orrico

" But there's more to this life than living and dying,
More than just trying to make it through the day;
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,
And there's more than this life alone can be."
~Steven Curtis Chapman
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I feel like I'm in the middle of a "live-die" cycle...just trying to make it through a day...even though I'm not chasing down all these temporary highs...sometimes it feels like I'd get more out of life if I did...but I know that's not the truth, so I just hope the truth finds me.

I'm missing some aspect of my relationship with God..or SOMETHING...and right now I basically feel like my life is pointless.

I don't feel like I've had ANY impact ANYWHERE, on ANYONE. I need a point..a reason...I need something to happen so that I'm not just here..but so I'm actually living.

Have I made any impact at all?

Wise Words/ Serenity Prayer

"God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference."

~ Reinhold Niebuhr.

This is a section of a poem/ prayer entitled the "Serenity Prayer" by Reinhold Niebuhr. With a bunch of different situations arising in my life right now, coming across this piece of literature was...I hardly even know how to describe it...but I'm grateful that I stumbled on it.

It was a much needed reminder to the mindset that I need to be having about events in my life. Sometimes I just try to take too much control over everything myself...sometimes when I don't even know what I'm talking about...and that's when things fall even farther apart. Yet, it's still a lesson easily taught, but difficult to recieve or apply...even after being learned. For some reason...I try to do what I don't know how...because of untrust for even the people that do know. Which is another thing I have to be working on.

Whenever things go wrong...whether with me, or other people...I want to be able to fix it. But...some of the times I can't...No. Scratch that. A LOT of the time I can't. But I still try..which can sometimes be a good thing...but other times, I just end up driving myself crazy and I end up getting hurt in some way because of it...That's where this prayer comes in.

Sometimes I need that serenity to accept things I cannot change...other times I need more courage to change things I can...but most of ALL, I do just need the wisdom to truly, honestly tell the difference.

...on a random side note...I think that when I get married and have kids..I want to name one of my daughters "Serenity".

I think that would be a good name for a girl.

Serenity.