Ok so...my second post on this blogger site.. has to do with how sometimes life just seems to go on..like some sort of...journey...and I'm just along for the ride.
Am I the only one who feels like that?
Sometimes honestly I just find myself riding in the car staring out the window and I see all the cars and everybody..everything passing me by. Sometimes it's hard to believe that everyone actually has their own life as well....I know they do..but sometimes it just feels like it's me..only me. Almost like a sort of...Matrix movie-type world where I'm living in my own separate world.....and I'm just...there.
Just a sort of puppet in the sense that I feel like sometimes I'm just going through the movements of life instead of actually living.
Steven Curtis Chapman worded what I'm feeling pretty much exactly to the point in his song "More to this life". He uses the phrase "Life just goes on." at the end of the verses and that's EXACTLY how I feel right now. No matter what happens...life just..goes on. Sometimes it feels like I've been left behind.
There's no "pause" or "rewind" button to use...no matter how badly I feel like I need or want one. Through anything and everything...life just goes on.
I'm living my life as a Christian teenager...a junior in a public high school...and no matter what happens life just keeps moving. Days go on past...new days come...and new days go. An inescapable cycle...an undisputed phenomenon of life...but one that I wish I COULD escape. I need something more to my life.
..All other Christians reading this are probably thinking the same thing I am right now...I just need more of God. And I know that's supposed to be the answer...or that it IS the answer..but I almost feel like I just don't know how to do it. What do I have to do to get there? I'm missing SOMETHING and I know it...and I also know it's something very..extremely important....otherwise I wouldn't feel like this.
There must be more than what I have...and I'm desperate to find it.
I'm tired of just going through life feeling like...like I'm just..THERE. It seems like everything is just going on..moving on...I'm getting older with time...time gets older in respect to itself and closer to coming to an end as to start a beginning of life relative to eternity instead of infinity.. and no longer to definite start-finishes...and all I do during this "time" passing me... is stare out a window feeling absolutely pointless.
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"There's gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me..." ~Stacie Orrico
" But there's more to this life than living and dying,
More than just trying to make it through the day;
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,
And there's more than this life alone can be."
~Steven Curtis Chapman
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I feel like I'm in the middle of a "live-die" cycle...just trying to make it through a day...even though I'm not chasing down all these temporary highs...sometimes it feels like I'd get more out of life if I did...but I know that's not the truth, so I just hope the truth finds me.
I'm missing some aspect of my relationship with God..or SOMETHING...and right now I basically feel like my life is pointless.
I don't feel like I've had ANY impact ANYWHERE, on ANYONE. I need a point..a reason...I need something to happen so that I'm not just here..but so I'm actually living.
Have I made any impact at all?
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2 comments:
you have on me, jesh. i honestly dont know where i would be without you in my life... and dont you dare shoot this down, because i know you're going to. as much as ive tried to help you grow and mold you into a better person, you have done the same with me. you have pushed me in ways i wasnt comfortable, you have comforted me and talked to me about things that i can only talk to you about...
i care for you dearly, jesh and it hurts to see that you dont know you're worth because you are more precious than you'll ever know and i just pray that God will show you a glimps of what you mean to himm
i had just read this blog entry the night before i found myself in the minneapolis/stpaul airport where they had painted on the walls as some sort of city promo "more to life". and listed a bunch of reasons why their city was a good place to be. it made me think of you and wonder if you were supposed to move to minnesota. then i just decided it just meant you need to stick close to ME cuz i visited minnesota (where there's more to life!) or something like that...
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