My Testimony

This is the testimony I wrote for the Worship and Intercessory school I want to go to next year.

The purpose of me posting this is because I hope that in reading it, you guys (and girls) might be encouraged, gain a little hope or faith, or that God would be able to speak to you through what he has done for me, and to bring glory to God for how he does not stop his relentless pursuit of our hearts until he has every part of us immersed in himself.
This is part of why I am so thankful to him.
____________________

I grew up in a Christian home and my parents are both pastors, so my testimony is not one like Saul being knocked off of his horse by the power of God and hearing his voice ask me why I am living the way I am. My testimony is a testimony of pursuit, of grace, of confirmation, restoration, promise, and conviction.

God has been involved in and fighting for my life ever since it started. I am not supposed to be alive today, but I am because of God’s grace. I was born five weeks premature, and immediately there were complications that threatened my life. I had massive internal bleeding in my brain and the doctors did not think I had any chance to live. I was taken away from my parents straight away, and put in intensive care for the next ten days. My parents’ church was notified and began praying and interceding for my life before the Father, and Father heard their prayers and acted. The next day my parents were told that I had a chance of living, but that if I did I would be a complete vegetable.

The church kept on praying for me throughout this whole time, and day-by-day for the next ten days, my condition improved. From near death, to a definite vegetable, to mentally retarded, all the way to the point where the doctors sent me home saying that I will live but develop slower than the rest of the children my age.
They were wrong again; God completely healed me.

I grew up in the church being taught about Jesus and having a relationship with God. As the pastor’s son I did my best to live up to the expectations that often seem to come along with that position. However, my life as I was living it was the very essence of a lukewarm love for, and relationship with Christ.
My personal times with God were nonexistent. I knew of my God, but I didn’t actually know him. I knew all the answers to the Bible questions and was looked at as a role model for the rest of the youth around me, but the position of my heart before my Father did not reflect what I tried to display.

I ended up falling deeply into addictions with pornography, which I struggled with for a long time. My heart was rotting inside as I was attempting to keep up a good image. I fell deeper until I thought there was no escape for my addictions. No matter how hard I tried, I would always fall time and time again. I began hearing the voice of Satan in my life saying that I would never live up to being a man of God, that I wasn’t worthy, and that I would never be free so therefore I should stop trying. I believed him. A great spirit of self-condemnation came over me and controlled my thoughts for many years. I started believing that it was God telling me these things, and as a result I became incredibly depressed and fell away from the Lord.

I went day to day knowing that God was the person I needed, but feeling that he was disappointed in me. I heard all these things from other people about how God is merciful, loving, full of grace and compassion, and that he is a helper who loves me and keeps no record of my wrongs; yet I had built up an image of God being a God who would not meet, encounter, or basically have anything to do with me unless I first fixed 1, 2, and 3.
I knew who my God was supposed to be, he just wasn’t.

God never let me go, though. Even when I was living my life not thinking about him and just going through the Christian motions, he was moving in my life. Time after time, God set me up and kept beckoning me towards him. God took me through the wilderness where I had to rely on God more than I had ever done before. I had to rely on him for the life of my parents, for my house, my ability to stay in school, even for food. God forced me to rely on him and to begin to ask him for things, and he spoke to me. God presented me with situations just so that he could show how he was faithful. I was getting a glimpse of the God I’ve heard about. When my life was out of control I cried out to the Lord and asked him to take care of me, and he did. God showed me that he was not the accuser in my mind, and that I had put boxes around who he was. I asked him to break them down at any cost, and I felt like I heard him ask, “Are you sure?” As soon as I replied yes, God started breaking down my walls.

God showed me who he was by cancelling every wrong thought I had about him one at a time. When I would think that he was disappointed in me, he would send someone with a prophetic word or a bible verse saying how he is pleased in me. That he is happy with me. That he delights in me every day.

When I asked him to speak to me something new, he took that invitation and ran with it: I did not trust myself with hearing God any more, because of how I would always get his voice confused with the accuser’s voice and my own. When I asked God to take that away and speak to me again, he sent people to pray over me for prophecy and the ability to discern voices in my head. Suddenly I could hear the Father’s voice and feel his heart like I never could before! It was refreshment like I had never breathed before in my whole entire life. When I asked him for the gift of tongues out of the desire to grow closer to him, he released my self-conscious voice to speak and sing in the spirit. I asked him to use me, and situations started arising left and right with opportunities to share the love of God, pray with, or prophecy over people.

One thing at a time, God started revealing to me his real personality. As I fell more in love with God, God demanded more of me. He floored me, saying that he desires to have ALL of me, every day, all the time. I did not know how that was possible, because for the first time I understood what that meant. As I asked him for direction, God introduced me to the Forerunner and Nazarite calling, along with the Numbers 6 passage. God moved me from a place of in sin, with a lukewarm passion at best, not even knowing the God I was worshiping, and feeling like God could never use me, to a place of being enthralled and in love with a God that I have a personal relationship with. A God who loves me and has caused me to fall over my head in love with him. One who is demanding my whole life and heart. All my affection.

I have learned that I live under the Romans 7 and 8 doctrine; that I am a sinner, but I am a sinner living under God's grace, instead of the law. My earthly life and eternal life have both been literally saved by the Father's love for me, and now I live in a spirit of thankfulness to him for it. I am a prodigal son who now lives with a single eye to glorify his redeemer, and striving to introduce people to him.

God bless,
~Jeshua David Frederick

My Future Wife...

Looking in your eyes, I can see straight through
to your heart, and there I know
That you are mine.
And that every little thing,
Is gonna be alright.
It'll be alright.

Smiling when you smile at me
I can't help it cause you smile, contagiously
At least for me, and I know
That every little thing is gonna, turn out fine.
It'll turn out fine.

I'll never have to wonder,
Never have to worry 'bout,
You and I.

You and I...

Cause when the rain starts pouring down,
And the tide starts picking up
Oh you know that we won't budge,
You know that we will stand.
Cause we plant our feet on rock,
Not in the sand.
Not in the sand...

And I know,

That when life's rising up to beat us
I know it won't defeat us.
Cause when you've got what we've got, what we've got
Ya can't let it go,
Ya can't let it go

And I know

That while you're standing over there,
Wind blowing in your hair, your heart
Is over here with me.
And so I'll never have to doubt
When the rain is pouring down,
Where your heart will be.
Oh where your heart will be...

And I can never know 100 percent,
If the sun will shine my way again.
And I will never know if the winds that blow
Will always spare my house and home,

But I know.

Yeah I know, that I know, that I know, that I know
Where your heart lies.
And looking in your eyes..
Looking in your eyes,
I can see you love me.

So I'll count the blessings I have today,
And thank my God for sending you my way.
Cause there ain't no way this would be true,
Without him guiding us on through.

And I can't begin to say, how thankful I am
To know he has us in his hand.
And to know he's always watching,
Over me and you..
So Lord, I thank you; For blessing me this way...
For this love, and the lessons,
And the growing, you've had me do.

I want to say thank you for
The girl right there
With the wind that's blowing through her long brown hair
And the smile that says she's happy,
To be here.

I want to thank you for how,
Looking in her eyes
I can tell she loves
That I'm her guy.

And God I pray that way, it'll stay,
As long as you want it to..

I pray I'll never take for granted
The blessing she is to me
And I pray I'll never hurt her
Oh Lord please let it be.

I pray you'll help me comfort,
Help me encourage,
Help me be a man.

Help me understand.

Help me to discern the jealousy,
Let it have no power over me.
And help me live with loyalty,
To trust she'll do the same for me.

Let me always be patient,
Always be kind,
And never to boast when it's tempting.
Let me always build up,
Never tear down,
Not think about myself gaining.

Help me never keep record,
Of when I've been wronged,
And always rejoice in the truth.
Help me protect, help me trust
Help us persevere, and live
With love, how you want us to.

I pray for many more times, where the sun will shine
And where the nights are clear for dancing,
Beneath the stars.
With transparent hearts.

I pray for days of comfort, I pray for days of peace
I pray for days enjoying her, being here with me.
Oh Lord let it be.
Lord let it be.

Prophetic Worship

This just speaks to me so much...I can't help but post two blogs in one day =).

I pray to be this anointed in my worship and even more.

I want to be able to sing God's word and heart to his children and speak his presence over a room.

I know it's not about me, but I want God to use me to make himself known and tangible.

Ginosko

Ok so it has been a while since I last blogged...about half a year apparently.  I know, I'm sorry, it's a problem. I don't even really know who reads these if I'm going to be serious.

Basically I have been changing...it's a rough process, but oh so worth it when the Lord breaks through.  It's up and down because I still fall a lot, and it kinda gets me down.  I mean, I know that the Lord wants me to get up, apologize, and keep pursuing him...but it's a bit harder than that for me to get past it myself.  I guess I hold myself to a pretty high standard.  In some ways it's dumb because I'm human and make mistakes, but then again, I know I'm capable to be just about all that I have my sights set on...it's still a ridiculous challenge though.

Many many ups and downs. One time I'll be in hot pursuit of God and experiencing him, and then however long later I'll fall again. Does this happen to everyone? I wanna just move past it.  I'm 100% sincere when I say that all I desire is for the Lord to be tangibly here, and present in my life...to make me who he wants me to be...and I'm acting on that more now and with more passion and desire than I have ever before in my life......but I still find ways to complicate things. I know I can't be perfect...I just wish I could come close to being close to being almost half way to being close to being....well you get it.

Psalm 27:4, Jude 1:24, and Ezekiel 36:26 have been the passages I have been relying on.

I just want God, sometimes he feels so close but right out of reach, other times he feels distant, but I want him to be HERE and know him.

Not just like...intellectually....but like...how do you say it...

the Greek word is ginosko....with those little - symbols over the o's.

it means "to know through experience; to perceive through the senses."  I want to know him through experience.

Restless

One charade after the next facade
The realness dissolved into paradox
I, am not satisfied.
Another skit, another script,another line, another "where is the truth?"

Another hope, another fall
Another look, another "what to believe?"
Another,
"Believe in who?".

I don't just want to see it
I want to feel the truth
Can't stand to reconcile this
Lord I am restless for you.

Progress? Possibly?

So I've finally started making a real effort to memorize scripture.
With everything going on in my life, I've found it to be really empowering.
It's nice.

I feel like I'm finally on my way to becoming who God wants me to...sorta.
It's still in the very early beginning stages, but at least it's there.
I'm finally making real effort outside of high times like Freshwind in Toronto or the Engram youth retreat at my church.

I still have a bunch of stuff I have to work out of my life..a purification process I guess, that I know has to happen and I'm working on, but it's...fighting back I guess.
But the difference is that at least now I'm really trying harder than I have in the past.

I've memorized a good deal of verses in the past bit...

James 1:19 ~ Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry

James 4:8 ~Come near to God, and he will come near to you

John 13:14-15 ~Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet; so should you wash one anothers feet. For I have set an example for you, that you should do as I have done for you.

Proverbs 24:3 ~Above all else, guard your heart, for it effects everything you do.

John 3:16-17 ~For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whom so ever believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. For God came into the world not to condemn the world, but to claim it as his own.[some versions say: "but to save the world through him"](yes, I already knew verse 16, but I didn't know 17)

and then in Psalm 144 it says "Joyous are those who put their trust in the Lord our God."

so...a good start I think...we'll see how it goes.

So Many Changes

_____________________________________________________
Blessed be the man who perserveres under trial, for once he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life which God has promised to those who love him.
~James 1:12
_____________________________________________________

This verse has really been on my mind lately. Besides being my favorite verse, it's really been something I've had to hold on to. So many things have happened...my parents looking for a new job pastoring...forcing us to move to most likely either Ohio or California.
I've been asked how important it is for me to complete highschool at my current one...If I say YES, that it is important....then it's possible that my dad and sister would move to California and I'd stay here with my mom for the school year and then we'd move out there too....but I don't want to split up the family for that time..while at the same time I don't want to leave where I'm living now.
That's just one of the many things I'm facing...
I have to lead worship for the church we're leaving in a week's time....
It's hard.
I'm tired of perservering...so it really makes me hope that crown of life is worthwhile...which I assume it is...
but it still feels like I'm at the point where I have to hope it is, instead of just knowing it is...

I don't know....so many changes...
I don't want to just have to "deal" with it...or "get by"
...I want to actually be living...but living is hard with all this going on
...I guess that's why that "crown of life" sounds so attractive and appealing right now.

IF

IF you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

IF you can trust yourself when all men doubt you

But make allowance for their doubting too,

IF you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

IF you can dream--

and not make dreams your master,

IF you can think--

and not make thoughts your aim;

IF you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

IF you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

IF you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breath a word about your loss;

IF you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

IF you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,

IF neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

IF all men count with you, but none too much,

IF you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Every Blessing and Curse is a Choice Now.

Ya know... I just want to take the people I care about most and go on a perfect vacation. Even if it's just like...a day long trip to the beach. Cause when you're with people that you love... "life is different. Time doesn't move hour to hour, but mood to moment. We live by the currents, plan by the tides, and follow the son."...I consider the people close to me to be my treasures. Each person is precious to me. I value all of them greatly...but I've never felt like I've been able to express it well enough...or maybe I just didn't take the time enough to show it.

I'm changing that now.

I have this problem..that sometimes I think people really take me for granted...I KNOW people do...and it really drove me insane. I like being consistant...I like helping people, and because I like being consistant, I do it whenever I can....but often times I feel like people just kind of get used to it...like with worship. Before, when I first started leading worship, people would come up to me and tell me that I did a really good job....but now that I've been doing it for a while...it's like people start to assume that I don't need or want to hear that any more..so it stopped. I love to feel needed, I love it when people come tell me "good job" or anything like that...but after a while of being consistant it just got to the point where I felt like I wasn't being appreciated any more..that what I was doing had changed from a blessing, to something that was..expected of me....and it really got me thinking...Do the people around me feel the same way I do?...and...I knew the answer was probably yes.

I'm almost 100% sure that everyone gets to a point in their life where they don't feel appreciated..and they all have probably wondered this exact same thing...and so I made a decision that I'm going to go up to people and purposefully bless them.

Everybody wants to be needed. Everybody loves to be loved. I'm trying to let people who I need know that they're needed, people that love know they're loved, and people that I really appreciate know that they're appreciated. I decided that I'm going to try to establish a new habit for myself to bless people or compliment them at least once whenever I talk to them. It's an unusually hard habit to get rolling, but I'm working on it. Now don't get me wrong, I don't mean that as soon as I see someone I'm just going to be like "you look nice today" and then go up to the next person and say the same thing. I'm going to give a sincere compliment or blessing every time..one that's well thought out. Sometimes that might be a: "you look nice today", but it's going to be sincere..not just...throwing them around.

John C. Maxwell describes his approach as the 30-second rule. That you compliment or bless someone within the first 30 seconds of talking to him or her.

I haven't exactly gotten to that level yet, but I've started...and it's amazing how..blessed people actually get...just by taking aside a few seconds to just bless people...compliment them...it doesn't take long, doesn't take much, but it can change someone's whole day around...I've found that I love blessing people...you might be thinking "yeah, no duh Jeshua, it's supposed to work that way..you bless others-you feel blessed. old news."..but then why doesn't everyone do this?? It's old news but still hardly anyone does it...and now that I've started...I can really impact a person's life. People will even start to appreciate ME because I am telling them that I appreciate THEM. Go figure.

It would be nice if people came up to me and did this to me more often...but for now...if that doesn't happen, I'm ok. I absolutely love blessing people. It's addicting. I love being able to make someone's day. Even if I don't make their day, I love being able to make them smile.

It's not even hard...it's not like I'm killing myself like "ugh come ON! why can't I THINK of anything, I have to do this!". Not at all. I'm not making things up to bless people..cause then I wouldn't be honest. I simply ask myself what I like about that person, what do they add to my life?, why am I glad they're around?, what special qualities do they have?....it's always stuff I already think about...it's just that now I'm actually TELLING people what's in my head...and it really makes them happy....and that...my friends...

is priceless.

Deuteronomy 11:26 - "Look, today I am giving you the choice between a blessing and a curse." (NLT)

...now...I have a suggestion...how about we choose to be a blessing.

Life Just Goes On...or does it?

Ok so...my second post on this blogger site.. has to do with how sometimes life just seems to go on..like some sort of...journey...and I'm just along for the ride.
Am I the only one who feels like that?

Sometimes honestly I just find myself riding in the car staring out the window and I see all the cars and everybody..everything passing me by. Sometimes it's hard to believe that everyone actually has their own life as well....I know they do..but sometimes it just feels like it's me..only me. Almost like a sort of...Matrix movie-type world where I'm living in my own separate world.....and I'm just...there.
Just a sort of puppet in the sense that I feel like sometimes I'm just going through the movements of life instead of actually living.

Steven Curtis Chapman worded what I'm feeling pretty much exactly to the point in his song "More to this life". He uses the phrase "Life just goes on." at the end of the verses and that's EXACTLY how I feel right now. No matter what happens...life just..goes on. Sometimes it feels like I've been left behind.
There's no "pause" or "rewind" button to use...no matter how badly I feel like I need or want one. Through anything and everything...life just goes on.

I'm living my life as a Christian teenager...a junior in a public high school...and no matter what happens life just keeps moving. Days go on past...new days come...and new days go. An inescapable cycle...an undisputed phenomenon of life...but one that I wish I COULD escape. I need something more to my life.

..All other Christians reading this are probably thinking the same thing I am right now...I just need more of God. And I know that's supposed to be the answer...or that it IS the answer..but I almost feel like I just don't know how to do it. What do I have to do to get there? I'm missing SOMETHING and I know it...and I also know it's something very..extremely important....otherwise I wouldn't feel like this.

There must be more than what I have...and I'm desperate to find it.

I'm tired of just going through life feeling like...like I'm just..THERE. It seems like everything is just going on..moving on...I'm getting older with time...time gets older in respect to itself and closer to coming to an end as to start a beginning of life relative to eternity instead of infinity.. and no longer to definite start-finishes...and all I do during this "time" passing me... is stare out a window feeling absolutely pointless.

-------

"There's gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me..." ~Stacie Orrico

" But there's more to this life than living and dying,
More than just trying to make it through the day;
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,
And there's more than this life alone can be."
~Steven Curtis Chapman
-------


I feel like I'm in the middle of a "live-die" cycle...just trying to make it through a day...even though I'm not chasing down all these temporary highs...sometimes it feels like I'd get more out of life if I did...but I know that's not the truth, so I just hope the truth finds me.

I'm missing some aspect of my relationship with God..or SOMETHING...and right now I basically feel like my life is pointless.

I don't feel like I've had ANY impact ANYWHERE, on ANYONE. I need a point..a reason...I need something to happen so that I'm not just here..but so I'm actually living.

Have I made any impact at all?

Wise Words/ Serenity Prayer

"God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference."

~ Reinhold Niebuhr.

This is a section of a poem/ prayer entitled the "Serenity Prayer" by Reinhold Niebuhr. With a bunch of different situations arising in my life right now, coming across this piece of literature was...I hardly even know how to describe it...but I'm grateful that I stumbled on it.

It was a much needed reminder to the mindset that I need to be having about events in my life. Sometimes I just try to take too much control over everything myself...sometimes when I don't even know what I'm talking about...and that's when things fall even farther apart. Yet, it's still a lesson easily taught, but difficult to recieve or apply...even after being learned. For some reason...I try to do what I don't know how...because of untrust for even the people that do know. Which is another thing I have to be working on.

Whenever things go wrong...whether with me, or other people...I want to be able to fix it. But...some of the times I can't...No. Scratch that. A LOT of the time I can't. But I still try..which can sometimes be a good thing...but other times, I just end up driving myself crazy and I end up getting hurt in some way because of it...That's where this prayer comes in.

Sometimes I need that serenity to accept things I cannot change...other times I need more courage to change things I can...but most of ALL, I do just need the wisdom to truly, honestly tell the difference.

...on a random side note...I think that when I get married and have kids..I want to name one of my daughters "Serenity".

I think that would be a good name for a girl.

Serenity.